How & When To Be a Forgiving Leader
I’ve been talking this week to a client about forgiveness. Our conversations have stirred up thoughts about when I have forgiven others and when I’ve been the one who has needed to be forgiven. And I wanted to ask you has someone recently in your life, said or done something that hurt you; that seemed unfair, rude, uncalled for? And have you forgiven them?
In both our personal and professional lives, it can be the little things that chip away at our relationships or it can be something monumental, like lying, unkindness or infidelity that completely breaks our trust. It’s often someone who we thought would be there for us; who we thought had our back but then they let us down.
When this happens, you have the choice to take on one of three roles:
The Sufferer
You can choose to suffer in silence and let the hurt consume you. You think to yourself “how dare they do this to me!” You play the victim. You feel out of control; like things just happen to you without any responsibility. This feeling stops you from trusting again, loving again and taking risks. It keeps you in your comfort zone and playing small. You surrender your power over to the person who hurt you. They’ve hurt you once and you allow them to continue to hurt you. It’s just like the analogy of you drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.
The Avenger
Now, I love the Avenger movies but in real life, do you really want to be the person who hands out punishment for a perceived wrong? I concede that it can feel good in the moment to play the avenger; to right a wrong; to get even. It can feel strong and courageous to play the avenger but, in my experience, it can also lead to regret. The old saying that two wrongs don’t make a right is famous for a reason.
The Forgiver
The final option you have is to choose to forgive the other person’s behaviour. You can let it go. You can be strong and confident and know that you’ll be ok. Remember that your unwavering self-belief comes from how you treat yourself not how others treat you.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
- Mahatma Gandhi
So, how do you forgive when you’ve been let down by someone who you trusted?
Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings and what’s happened and then create some space for yourself. Remember that people do things for their reasons and not yours. Consider what might have been the other person’s intention and motivation. We all see the world differently and things can get lost in translation. We seldom know what is really going on for those around us, particularly at work.
When I’m unhappy, disappointed or angry about how someone has treated me, I ask myself, I wonder what is going on for this person right now that they’ve decided to treat me this way? This is not an excuse for bad behaviour or to make it ok for us to be at the mercy of our emotions, but I do think it creates empathy and understanding. You can choose to talk it out with the other person if you have the opportunity and feel the need to; this will depend on the issue, your relationship with the other person and your choice around how you want to move forward. And then choose to forgive and let it go.
Forgiveness is not a one-way gift that you give to someone. It’s a gift that you give to yourself. It makes you a better leader.
Once you genuinely forgive, it allows you to:
move forward and focus on the future
step outside your comfort zone and risk again
rebuild the trust and mend a strained relationship
feel freedom and lightness
lead by your purpose and personal values
leave your legacy
As a leader, is there someone in your life right now who you want to forgive? Is there someone or something that has a hold over you and is stopping you from moving forward and feeling free?
It’s time to let go and forgive.
Midja x
PS – And if it seems a little hard to forgive sometimes, remember one of my favourite Oscar Wilde quotes,
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”