5 Skills You Need to Have Tough Conversations
Do you find having some conversations difficult? Do you feel anxious about raising negative feedback with your team members? Maybe you avoid the conversation altogether and just cross your fingers that the issue will go away by itself. You deploy the ‘hope’ strategy.
However, deep down inside, you know that this rarely works and all you end up doing is confirming the behaviour and making the issue larger. You get what you allow as a leader.
So, how can you make these difficult conversations easier?
Here are my top 5 strategies:
BE CURIOUS
Get inquisitive about the issue. Let’s say that Andrew has been a top performer for months, however, this month his figures are right down. Hmmm…interesting, I wonder what’s going on for Andrew and what this change means? Start out with wanting to genuinely discover more about the issue.
CHECK YOUR BIASES AND ASSUMPTIONS
A question I often ask myself in any given situation is ‘What do I know for sure?’ When you ask yourself that, sometimes it’s very little. You might have a few snippets of observations or accounts from different people but everything else about the situation, you’ve just assumed and filled in the blanks with your own autobiography. You need to build an awareness around your biases and stick to what you know for sure.
SHUT UP AND JUST LISTEN
Listen with the intent to understand and not just to reply. This is habit 5 from Dr Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This can be tough, particularly when you think you can solve the issue and you just want to give the other person your well-intentioned advice. Remember that a great leader makes others feel understood and only then can they be influenced.
“You can’t move the situation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood.”
- Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations
HAVE A STRUCTURE
You need to build some scaffolding around the conversation. Now is not the time to ‘wing it’ and just see where the conversation ends up because you could end up down a rabbit hole in which you can’t find your way out. I use the GROW model for conversations but there are other models you can use to effectively stay on track and gain the best outcome.
REMEMBER HOW TO EAT AN ELEPHANT
One bite at a time. Often leaders want to deal with a big issue all at once in one conversation and get it over and done with but this approach is rarely effective. You need to chunk down the issue and deal with one component at a time, otherwise you risk making the other person feel overwhelmed and they will shut down completely. Change, particularly major change, can take time. Practise patience.
You don’t have to avoid the difficult conversations or make yourself sick to the stomach thinking about them. You just need to develop the attitude and the skills to approach the issue the right way and the result will be that these conversations actually build your relationships with others.
Your people will know that when there’s an issue, you’ll come straight to them to discuss it and you’ll listen from their point of view and help them to improve and move forward.
With the right strategies, your difficult conversations will become your most effective coaching conversations. You’ll learn more about yourself and the other person.
These conversations, one by one, will build SAFETY, CONNECTION and TRUST within your team.
Champagne and Sunshine,
Midja